Gosh, it joys me to see you Iohs
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to deceive you, Iohs
Especially when giving you lumps
There's no man in town as despised as you
You're everyone's least favorite guy
Everyone's cowed and reviled by you
And it's not very hard to see why

No one's sick as Iohs
No one tricks as Iohs
No one's clique as incredibly slick as Iohs
For there's no man in town half as ghastly
Demented, a pure bone bag
You can ask any Quinn, Jinx, or Stanley
And they'll tell you who they’d prefer to slag

Who swims through sand like Iohs?
Who casts curse like Iohs?
Who's much more than the sum of his wraps like Iohs?

"As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating"
"My, what a guy, that Iohs!”

"I needed encouragement
Thank you Tak-Sharu"

"Well, there's no one as easy to insult as you
Too much?"
"Yep"

No one digs holes like Iohs
Steals souls like Iohs
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Iohs
When I hunt, I sneak up with my spell
And gnolls of the sands hear their death bell
First I carefully aimed for the liver
And I cast from behind

Is that fair?
I don't care

No one casts like Iohs
Matches ghasts like Iohs
In a match nobody cheats like Iohs
I'm especially good at desecrating
Ten points for Iohs

When I was a lad, I ate a dozen souls
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown, I eat two dozen souls
So I'm roughly the size of a barghast

Who has brains like Iohs
Lurks behind panes like Iohs!
Who can make up these endless refrains like Iohs
I use bones in all of my decorating

Say it again
Who's the corpse among men?
Who's the super unblessed?
Don't you know? can't you guess?
Ask his enemies and his five hangers-on
There's just one guy in town, who's got all of it down

"And his name's I-O
I believe there's another O
It just occurred to me that I'm illiterate
And I've never actually have to spell it out loud before"
Iohs!